marysya - beep boop beep boop

šŸ¤– marysyašŸŠ

Okay, I think I've found a new anomaly in the System that is the internet. We're all aware of random Instagram profiles of girls that just start following you out of the blue, right? They're clearly not real, and if you ever DM them you're going to end up with a link to a site that's clearly going to give you a virus. Now, getting a virus from some random girl you want to bang isn't anything new, so, you still fill out the stupid form on that site she sent you, because you're going to get some fake nudes afterwards. We've all been there, right?

Now, what if I told you, that these not-so-rare especimens have evolved? You'd probably say "HOW?", and that's the question I'm going to be answering today. Now, let's imagine this little "species" as a PokƩmon. If that MILF that wants some dick and lives 2 miles away is Squirtle (And squirting), then that Instagram-bot-account is Wartortle. And by default, this new evolution is BLASTOISE, and yes, it's the best of the three. Seeing that this blog is about Onlyfans accounts, you probably inferred that we're talking about an Onlyfans-Scam(?) account, indeed. And the ways in which this little bitch is trying to scam(?) guys with a penis... Oh man, they were entertaining.

Okay, actually, no. I have to explain the use of "(?)" first. Mainly because a pattern you see with these evolutions of bot-chicks, is the opaqueness they bring along with them. While Squirtle is very obviously a fake MILF, Wartortle can sometimes be very misleading. Those Instagram accounts will sometimes respond to you real-time and only once they send that shitty-ass link to the virus, you'll get clarity on their non-existance. And then Blastoise, for fucks sake, I'm still not even sure if she exists or not. Like, okay, she has that checkmark besides her name, which means Onlyfans confirmed her identity, BUT, she was not even able to respond to anything I said to her, NOT TO MENTION THE FACT, that she gifted me a subscription out of fucking nowhere.

"Fucking nowhere", by the way, also describes the amount of places you can see her have sex in, after buying her subscription. But more on that later.

If you can't really imagine the ways in which she seems like a bot, there's no better place to look than her profile-description, which, on the picture you're about to see, you'll also be able to notice how she's online. And I swear to god, I have NOT been able to find any time of the day in which she isn't. Anyways, here's the picture:

Not to be rude of slavic people or anyhting, but why does her english sound like I'm sexting with cleverbot? I understand that people from Russia, the Ucraine and Poland, and all of those countries, have a slight disadvantage when it comes to non-slavic languages, but DAMN does that not help. I tried guys, I REALLY, REALLY tried to have some chatty fun with her, but, it feels like jerking off to Siri. Unfortunately this means my penis did not "release a large amount of sperm". Perhaps... I just wasn't ready...

But that's not the only factor that amounted into my bad erotic experience with this Ukranian girl (Actually, short intervention, just saying the words "my bad erotic experience with this Ukranian girl" hurt to say out loud... I used to love them bitches from slavic countries...). No, there's also the fact, that much like with BLASTOISE, this girl has two very pretty "cannons" to shoot some liquids out of, which she doesn't seem to ever fucking use. Yes, I'm unfortunately telling you guys, that this girl with a pretty expensive Onlyfans-profile does NOT contain any nudity at all. Fuck that.

If anything, her Onlyfans feels like that fake-Instagram-account shit. You might be digging how this girl looks, and the photos she took, but all in all, you won't be able to get an erection from most of them. Not only that, but she also just fucking reuses most of her pics. This bitch uploads like a billion pictures a day, and 90% of them she had already posted before. 

I guess she just freaking ran out of pictures, because she's clearly a bot. But she couldn't possibly be a bot now, could she? I swear to god, I'm going to end up making an Onlyfans-Verification test just to see how easy it is to scam people on the page. Knowing if she is fake is going to haunt me forever.

Also haunting me, will be the feeling of pitty I'll be feeling for all the people who actually subscribed to her. Because, if we don't get any nudity when we subscribe to Marysya, what DO we get?

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At the time of writing this review, for 10.0$ a month (+transaction fees), a sub to MARYSYA contains:

-154 Photos (Of which 60 are DUPLICATES)

-1 VIDEo (It's acceptable at best)

-DISAPPOINTMENT

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Indeed. This blonde, ukranian girl, has managed to create the ultimate form of disappointment. Mainly because it affects my libido. Now, some of you might think I'm not in a position to complain, because she gifted me her sub, but the last time someone did that, at least I got to see some fucking titties. This time, I just got blueballed. Because I do find her face VERY attractive, but now I won't be able to ever see her naked, which means I can just add another woman into that "never see her naked" list that is already filled with most ladies I know (Unfortunately not your mother ;D ).

I know this review is much shorter and "Meh" than the usual ones, but what do you want from me? This was a weird BOT account that randomly decided to gift a sub to me, with the most awful interaction ever, and an amount of eroticness so cheap, you'd probably be better off fapping to a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Then the audacity of charging 10 fucking dollars for what amounts to a quick google search of the word "Russian Slut", without even being russian (The best type of women) is just outrageous. 

So, if for some reason you ever decide to think about paying for a subscription to marysya's onlyfans profile, PLEASE, take your wallet, and fold a 10$ bill into a paperplane. Why? Well, you'll probably get more enjoyment out of that, for the same price.

I grant marysya and her Onlyfans subscription

a 1/10

-Johnny G. Johnson

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