Sunny ray xo - The Most Expensive Christmas Ever

🍑Sunny ray xo🎄

So, apparently... University is a pretty busy deal when you're taking it as seriously as I am. Not to flex or anything at all, but I'm a huge nerd. 

As you can see, that's not even remotely close to being a flex, which means I'm trustful. By that logic, NOW you have to believe me when I tell you, that I'm very sorry for how long this little review took me to write. I have been occupied by countless papers I'm obligated to do for College, other projects that I'm handling and, just depression, probably.

And what better way to fight depression, than looking at a thick blonde, dressed like a slutty version of that one character that I've secretly wanted to bang for like, forever? Exactly!

Tons of them.

But unfortunately, I settled for juicy ass under a fluorescent wig. And that's okay too.

You can probably gather, that this was meant as a Christmas special. Now, hoping that most of you weren't planning on getting this subscription as a gift for one of your friends, I hope the little three week delay wasn't world-shattering. Yet I'm obligated to rip off a bandaid that probably will be:

You can't afford the real Sunny ray xo experience.

Having said that, let's get into this review.

Much like with Violet Summers, my good friend Al was the first person to introduce me to Sunny ray xo. This realization has made me (in turn) realize that the reason I ended up making such horny reviews, is probably my perverted friend-group. And that's something you can always cherish when it comes to Sunny.

There's no better model than her, to discuss with your friends. Most of you will enjoy talking about one of the countless franchises she's represented in her cosplays. Be it her infamous Mary Jane photoshoot (which isn't available with the base subscription), her viral Princess Peach set (which isn't available with the base subscription), her Pikachu-cosplay (which isn't available with the base-subscription) or just her delicious tits and pussy...

(which aren't available with the base subscription)

See a pattern there? Yes, unfortunately, much like with waifumiia, her OF doesn't show any nudity. Well, being a trustworthy reporter, I have to admit that there are some little posts where she DOES show her vagina or her nipples for a fast moment, but with that quick experience, you might as well be throwing a quick glance at some random girl in a bikini at the beach and scratch your junk. 

For all of you who know the movie "Fight Club", there are some single frames in it, where the character "Tyler Durden" briefly appears and disappears. And in comparison to those, I'd say they're still more noticeable than the amount of times Sunny ray lets you see her naked in her OnlyFans. Here's a video to let you know how little that is: CLICK ME

So she doesn't even bother to give us a good look at her naked body. Why then, do I use the word "expensive", to describe her? Welp. As a first here in my Reviews, I'll give you a  full Analysis of a model's TIP MENU!!! By the end you'll know how to get ALL OF THE ITEMS, for the least amount of money!!! Let's start, and go piece by piece.

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DISCLAIMER:

This Section of the review is meant as a Christmas special, it includes tons of calculations, and no real "reviewing" of Sunnyray's Onlyfans. If you get bored by meaningless numbers that signify the value of a woman's body, then feel welcome to skip this part of the review.

Starting with the ridiculous way of calling this a "tip menu". A tip is either something you convince someone to put inside them, when you don't have a condom at hand, OR, the little amount of cash you give to that waiter, because the economy requires you to. Now, both unprotected sex and tipping a waitress, will cost you less than anything on Sunny's "tip menu" (Unless you get the girl pregnant, which is gonna be expensive, or you're Mr. Beast, which automatically means you'll pay any waiter's student loans). Just by that fact, I start to realize that unlike what she's promising, we're probably NOT going to have "much fun"... If I were going to have any "fun" with her, I'd have to cut expenses like "food" and "a roof over my head", so I guess I'll just have to be bored with Sunny from now on.

Now, to the "standard prizing" she uses, I don't understand how 3 full-on nudes cost more than 2 nudes, where she's doing an ahegao, and then, if you dare zoom into her vagina it's somehow the same price as the full ahegao nude. Even so, the most exploited fans are probably the feet-fanatics, as they have to pay 15$ for the only thing you can actually get from the base subscription. We can call it a travesty, but I'd prefer to look at it as a fair "penalty" for being into feet.

But now to the real fun. MATHS!!! If we're to look at the Video Bundles, we can see some special offers you could use as a "fan" to supposedly save money. But is a bundle actually a good deal? Welp, from the first section we can gather that one (non-ahegao) nude costs 5$, which for Bundle 1 means that the three videos amount for 55$. This tells us a video costs 18,30$. Now, looking at Bundle 2, we see that here, the pics would leave the videos to amount 70$, which after calculating, DOES SAVE UP 3,20$ in videos. The photos on the other hand, do stay at their normal price.

Bundle 3, stays at 85$ video-amount, if we also apply the "photos don't get cheaper" rule. Which means you save up 6,50$ in video-money. Now, this might seem stupid. Why? Cuz it's the same money you'd save if you were to purchase Bundle 2 twice. And if you were to do that, you'd have 8 Videos and 6 nudes, while saving the same amount you would by purchasing Bundle 3. 

Does it add up though? Would a double purchase of Bundle 2 be cheaper? Well, if you were to purchase Bundle 2 twice, you'd spend 170$ (+transaction fees). Roughly 62% more money than buying Bundle 3. But is the amount you get from two Bundle 2s also 60% higher? Welp, apllying a content-value to both the videos and the photos: Videos=4 Photos=1, Bundle 2*2 has a value of 38 and Bundle 3 has a value of 24. So Bundle 2*2  has only a 58% increase in content-value. Yet you save the same amount of money for a 4% difference. Would an increase in purchases make Bundle 2 better?

If the savings factor for both is 2*2=3, then the saving factor for 2*4=2*3. Bundle 2*4 would have a content-value of 76, while Bundle 3*2 would remain at 48, which also means a content increase of only 58%. Meaning, you will persistantly save 6,50$ while purchasing the Bundle 3 instead of two Bundle 2s, while gaining a slightly higher amount of content. IN SUMMARY:

I'm not even studying anyhting economy related,  so screw these bundles, but Bundle 3 will eventually max out your content, in the cheapest way possible, and that's a confirmed fact, by an amateur mathematician.

But how to get the best content? Welp, without clear access to all of her videos' lenghts', we can only work with the fact that all of them are between 2 and 13 minutes long. Meaning we can't really calculate an average to what we should expect from our purchase. Even in the last two images, you can see that price is NOT an indicator to the lenght of the video you'll get.

The only thing we can do, from these two images, is taking their average $ per second value, and see that one second of her videos is approximately worth 8 cents, which puts a minute of Sunny ray xo porn at 4,80$ in value. This means that in order to appropriately spend your Bundle-Purchases, you're going to have to crack the 3:30 minute mark (Because, that's how much you're paying for each video in Bundle 3), in order to get the value you deserve. Every video you purchase under the 3:30 mark, you can consider a loss. (This won't really be in our control for this experiment, but if you ever decide to purchase a video from her, make sure you don't pay more than 8 cents per second).

Even so, we must realize, that buying the videos at full prize should NOT be considered a valid method to reach the cheapest way we want. Bundle 3 will AT LEAST save you 2$ on any video, but 8,60$ on average. Seeing that the only way to reasonably pay for Sunny's nudes is Bundle 3, how would one approach getting all 35 available premium videos in the cheapest way possible?

To further establish rules, I asked Sunny herself to further elaborate on the criteria of the available videos in the bundle.

Welp, at bare minimum we're dealing with 7 purchases of Bundle 3, at 735$, in which we would approximately save 378$ from the usual "retail price". Yet we also have a total of 13 videos that fall into the "you can only have 1 of them per Bundle 3 purchase" category. 

This means we'll cover the 7 most expensive ones under the Bundle-Pricing and pay full-price for the remaining 6. This includes: "Abella Danger Double BJ" (19$); "Queen Elsa Ice Dildo Fuck" (25$); "Kim Possible Sloppy BJ" (25$); "Angel & Devil Cosplay" (26$); "Dallas Cowboys Dildo Fuck" (27$); "Waifu GF All Natural" (27$) and "Bunny Maid Doggy" (27$). This brings our current minimum to [735+176] 911$, and our savings down to  [378-176] 202$. (Please understand that the 911$ DO NOT reflect any kind of anti-worldtradecenterism).

The next problem is, that we now, only have 29 videos to split into Bundles, instead of 35. Which means we're going to have to pay for 4 more videos in full price, as to maintain the groups of 5 required for Bundeling. The 4 cheapest ones would be: "Black Widow Strip" (25$), "Harry Potter Dirty Talk" (25$) [Which is somehow listed under Disney content]; "Bad Kitty Masturbation" (25$) and "Abella and I Masturbate" (18$). This brings our total to [911+93] 1004$, and the money we saved to [202-93] 109$...

Damn... All that MATHS for saving ourselves 109$... That's sick.

If you wanted to be specially precise, you could probably argue that you save up another 100$, because of the 20 Pictures we'd get from the five Bundle 3 purchases. But I still refuse to accept that a single nude of Sunny Ray is worth 5$,

So yeah, if you have 1004$ lying around... That's how you can maximize your Sunny loot.... So spend it on her instead of.... Mhmmmm, well, this is what the internet says you should do with the cash: THIS

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That was the Christmas special. It was pure capitalism and consumerism built into a fake feeling of fullfillment.

Just like the real christmas holiday!!!

Actually calculating all of that has somehow made me a little depressed. Like. Damn, capitalism sucks. I didn't think a great ass would get you so much money. Somehow the prices waifumiaa had, seem like nothing now...

And that's the thing people. I have never been so saddened by an OnlyFans subscription... From what I expected to see, to what I actually saw, it felt like being promised a cake for your birthday, and instead, you found out you have cancer, your dog died and now you even get charged for a cake that never arrived...

And what does that cake contain?

밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥

At the time of writing this review, for 9.99$ a month (+transaction fees), a sub to SUNNY RAY XO contains:

-177 Videos (EACH ONE FEELS LIKE A KICK IN THE BALLS)

-1370 Photos (THEY'RE ACTUALLY Decent)

-PLEASENt conversations thorugh Only-Fans DMs

-1 AUDIO (IT's A WASTE OF TIME)

-A FEELING SIMILAR TO GETTING CANCER

밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥밥

So yeah, a thick, sexy, blonde girl has actually given me depression. Not the first time that's happened, probably not the last time it will. 

Unfortunately, I'm very much into blondes. And cosplayers. And boobs. And slutty people. Seeing a girl that checks out on all of those fronts disappoint me like that, hasn't happened since my last relationship (I wished that was a joke, but somehow it does fit as a parallel). And damn, does it feel sucky.

I had a hard time even trying to attempt jacking off to her content (And YES, it's ironic I call it a hard time, when certain things were everything BUT hard, due to how shit the content is). The videos she gives you in her subscription are always censored with lame Instagram stickers, and sometimes those stickers will put an awfully censored photo of hers, into the video-feed, JUST BECAUSE SHE USED SOME ANIMATED STICKERS. Add to that, that most of these videos are screenshots, and the quality sometimes feels like she recorded them with a Nintendo 3DS camera (And I would know, because that's LITERALLY how I recorded everything on my first ever YouTube channel). Even without those awful drops in video quality, and the stickers, most of them are boring and literally, I don't see the point in paying for them.

There's countless videos that are just Tik-Tok dances, and nothing against her, but I don't think she's dancing them very well.... The things she wears are super hot, but damn, she could as well be wearing Urkel's clothes, because she does NOT make good use of the sexy shit she puts on. How can a girl THIS THICK, be wearing a fucking bikini and still fail to make me want to get some? The way in which she presents herself is so annoying. Not due to her personality, no, due to her ACTUAL productions. It's so weird to see a girl that's about to fuck the shit out of a dildo, and not feel as though she's actually horny.

And don't even get me started on the lack of teasing in her stuff. Any good sex-based-influencer should know that teasing is 60% of how you maintain an audience. Not even sex-people. ANYBODY WHO'S EVER HAD SEX, or even MADE OUT with someone, should know that the build-up is EVERYTHING. And this girl.... Oh Lord... It's the most professional sloppyness I've ever seen. This girl feels like all anybody will ever do to her. Masturbate. Because you might think it feels good, but deep down you should know, this isn't fulfilling you.

This is the hand-job of OnlyFans profiles. A bad hand-job at that.

She's not just a very bad handjob, she's also the most expensive one you'll ever get. Somehow she made OnlyFans feel like real prostitution. Not even that, if you take the numbers from our calculations, I'm pretty sure you could get a hooker to ACTUALLY give you a handjob for the cheapest of her deals. And I don't even want to know how many ACTUAL prostitutes you could get into your bed for the amount it costs to buy all of her content (Google says it could be 20 if they're from the street, but maybe 3 high-end ones). So for the money that get you 2 hours of Sunny-Porn, you could have actual sex with a stranger in Indianapolis, for the same amount of time. And don't lie to me, if you have ever paid for an Onlyfans, you have probably considered getting a hooker at some point.

And us as fans, why should we accept that? How can someone that can't stop saying "I Love You" to her fans, just allow herself to scam thousands of dollars out of them? Why let her upload 177 videos where she cuts to black a milisecond before her nipples jump out? They're not even good nipple-teases, I've seen much better on fucking INSTAGRAM. Only difference is, those didn't cost me 10 bucks.

And that lack of actual substance is the same with her photos. If I look back to the master of good pictures, waifumiaa, when I looked through her gallery, I screenshoted pic, after pic (And she only had 300 of them). Now, Sunny, with like 5 times the amount, I saved like 20 of them. Yes, they were censored, yes they were professional, but they weren't good. They did NOT make me want to masturbate. And if that's your whole job, I think you might be running the risk of getting fired.

The closest thing I know, that feels like Sunny Ray xo, is Lele Pons. With her, I also ask the question: "How can someone that looks so pretty and professional, be this bad at what she does?". And yes, I will still jerk to both of them, I will still give them money, and somehow, millions of other people will do the same! WTF!? You don't know exactly if it's because how little effort they put into her content, or if they're just talentless, but sooner or later, you just have to accept they're not as good at their job as they look.

Sunny Ray xo feels like a bad, high budget movie. Everything is pretty, everything looks (AND IS) expensive, but if you actually take time to analyze what's infront of you, you just notice how shit it is. Going even further, just like a bad cash-grab should, she builds on our nostalgia to get us to be interested. She uses characters we've all known since we were little, characters we've all wanted to stick our cocks inside of, and uses them to get us to look at her tits. Much like a venus-fly-trap, she lures us in with her body, just to squeeze our lives out of us. Not unlike Disney.

Sunny Ray xo is the Disney Channel of Onlyfans. She's the Star Wars Sequels of the Porn-Industry. She's the LITERAL "Twitch-Thot".

I would never recommend her subscription to anybody, and honestly, if you've ever seen one of her pirated videos, you've seen them all. Because for being porn that costs you 8 cents a second, you'd probably get a better selection of erotica, in a season of Keeping up with the Kardashians.

I grant Sunny ray xo and her Onlyfans,

a 0/10

-Johnny G. Johnson