💫 INTRODUCTION 💫

If there's anything anyone can agree on... It's that people are, indeed, attractive. And there's nothing more attractive than a girl who knows how to get you off.

Unfortunately, another thing these Onlyfans-chicks are getting off of you is your well-earned money. Sometimes, you'll find a good investment, sometimes you'll feel like you've spent your entire savings on cheap pornography. This shall be the ultimate tool, for knowing how to put it, into the perfect girl.

Perhaps, you've had a little crush on one of these models, perhaps you find yourself with five extra bucks to have some fun, perhaps, you want to gift this subscription to a BRO. In any of these cases, you, my dear friend, need to know how to get the most out of those five dollars.

Anton Ego once said, "In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgement". Now, though I'd very much enjoy ANY position on top of these girls, the reality of it all is, that, I am risking more than just a little. 

I'm risking my financial stability. I'm risking my enjoyment of life. I am very much wasting my time and money on meaningless interactions with women I can't even touch. With all the cash I'm putting into these girls, I could eventually hire more than one prostitute. Depending on the country, I could even organize my own little private orgy. So, WHY do I do it then?

There's a thing about Onlyfans, that ONLY they can offer you. Yes, chaturbate allows for real-time interaction, and YES, if you try hard enough, you'll find more than just enough leaked videos of the same girls throughout the web. Why is it, that, even though we have LITERAL terrabytes of pornography available to us FOR FREE... We go out of our way to pay some exxagerated sum, to see some ass?

Well, my dear reader, it all comes back to the name. ONLY-FANS. Only, fans. Only fans. Onlyfans. Why, if not for targeted admiration for set girl, would a guy pay for some pictures? Yes, I could pay 30 dollars a month to have access to EVERY SINGLE video Brazzers has ever recorded. Thousands of different girls, positions, guys, (if I were into that), scenarios. All of that for 30 dollars. Now, a thousand different girls on Onlyfans, will cost you AT LEAST one buck each. So, looking at all this with logical, mathematical lenses... Isn't it a bad investment? Why pay 30 bucks for 3 different girls, if I could just pay the same amount for ALL OF THEM??? Exactly. No normal person would do that. Only a fan would. Onlyfans, would.

Onlyfans-wood. That's what you call the erection you get from any Onlyfans content. Yes, that joke was cheap, unlike the subscription you're thinking about buying. Also, it'd have landed better if it were spoken. But, while you use this blog to figure out what you wanna buy yourself this month, we're gonna need to have some fun. Yes, I do love cheeky humor, as much as I love them cheeks on that girl over there. Yes, the one on your left, at that table. Cute, huh?

But even if my humor as a writer is bad, it'll be worth it to get through, as the horrible humor will get you from making any horrible investments. Here's to stop you from becoming the fan, of the wrong girl. May your search for the best one, succeed.

-Johnny G. Johnson